How to Up Your Small Talk Game
If youāre an introvert as I am, engaging in small talk is stressful. Small talk can be awkward and, honestly, kind of boring. Often, you run out of things to say and end up standing there uncomfortably, trying to avoid eye contact. At that point, you start panicking and try to think of something else to say or begin planning your exit strategy (or maybe thatās just me).
Unfortunately, though, small talk is part of our culture. We meet new people practically every day. If you ever attend a friendās party or a networking event for work, you will definitely need to know how to engage in small talk. Or if youāre starting out at a new school or job, youāll be meeting many new people with whom youāll want to acquaint yourself. Even if youāre out at a bar, single and ready to mingle, you need to be able to chat it up. Small talk is how you make friends and build connections! To alleviate your stress (and to learn some tips for myself) Iāve compiled a list of tried-and-true ways to up your small talk game.
Know How to Greet Someone
Iām sure youāve heard it before, and Iāll say it again: first impressions are important. The way you approach and greet someone can set the tone for your entire interaction. Likewise, if someone approaches you, be mindful of the way you respond to their gesture.
Body language is crucial here. Studies have shown that if you smile and leave your arms uncrossed, you will seem much more approachable (Pick the Brain). Donāt spend the entire time on your phone, because that will make you seem uninterested in whatās going on around you. Obviously, thatās not the image you want to project. When youāre already conversing with someone, if you angle yourself towards them, that will signal that you are indeed engaged.
What you say is also very impactful. You can go for a classic greeting, such as asking how the other person is or introducing yourself by name. Another approach is called the complement and transition, in which you compliment someone and then steer the conversation in another direction once the ice has been broken. Either way is fine, as long as you are friendly and genuine.
Start Out With the Basics
Thereās nothing wrong with running through the usual questions at the beginning of a conversation. The basic info you often learn about a person includes:
- Hometown
- Profession
- Alma Mater (either college, grad school, or high school)
- Major in college
- Single, in a relationship, or married
- Kids or no kids
- Hobbies
Exchanging this kind of information is the essence of small talk. When you learn the answers to these fundamental questions, you might learn that you have something in common! This is an easy way to then jumpstart aĀ deeper conversation.
Ask Follow-Up Questions
Once youāve covered the basics, follow up with deeper questions. This is how you can move past small talk and into a genuinely enjoyable and satisfying conversation. Ask them whether they like where they grew up, what they thought of their college experience, or how they chose their career path. This is how youāll really get to know the other person. It will also demonstrate that youāre curious and caring, which are two great qualities to have.
Avoid Asking āYesā or āNoā Questions
If you want to keep the conversation going naturally, donāt ask questions that only require āyesā or ānoā for an answer. Instead, rephrase your question to frame it in such a way that encourages the other person to engage more. Providing the opportunity to give a simple answer can quickly stop the conversation altogether. If you ask a question that requires a longer answer, you have more to work with, and the other person will begin to feel relaxed as they talk more.
For example, instead of asking āDo you like Parks and Rec?ā say āWhatās your favorite TV show?ā The first question could lead to a greater discussionā¦if the person youāre talking to is outgoing enough. The second question ensures that the other person will give a more in-depth response.
Also, Avoid One Word Answers
You know that you donāt want to receive a one-word answer, so donāt be the person who gives them! If you are asked a yes or no question, elaborate on your response. Say something like, āNo, I donāt particularly like that becauseā¦ā or, āYes, I had a great experience with that whenā¦ā or āYes, I really love howā¦ā
When you give an in-depth response to a question that could be answered in one word, youāre helping to keep the small talk going. This will make the other person feel at ease and facilitate better conversation.
Remember Their Name
Remembering the other personās name makes them feel important and therefore more invested in the conversation. The easiest way to do this is to repeat it as soon as they tell you what it is. Hereās an example of a conversation to demonstrate what I mean:
Me: āHi, Iām Lexi. Whatās your name?ā
Other Person: āIām Jasmine. Itās nice to meet you!ā
Me: āNice to meet you too, Jasmine.ā
Since I immediately repeated the other personās name, I have a better chance of remembering it later. If you forget someoneās name, donāt feel bad about asking about it a second time! Most people are pretty bad at remembering names, so thereās nothing to be ashamed about.
Really Listen to the Other Person
When you ask a question, actually listen. Consciously keep track of what the other person is saying. Donāt assume anything; pay attention. This is how you can ask great follow-up questions and make this the best small talk ever.
Donāt Talk Too Much
Many people talk too much when they get nervous. They think that they need to fill every pause with words for the conversation to go well, but thatās just not the case. If youāve asked a question and the other person pauses, itās likely theyāre just thinking about your question, not ignoring you. Donāt keep talking, just be patient and wait for their response.
Another part of this tip is not to overshare or ramble on about yourself too much. Yes, you want to show who you are, but donāt reveal your deepest, darkest secrets. You also donāt want to come across as self-centered by only talking about yourself.
Be Willing to Disagree Without Judgment
Engaging in a lively debate with someone can make for an exciting conversation. You donāt always have to agree with the person to whom you are speaking, as long as you are respectful and judgment-free. Donāt pretend that you feel a certain way about something just to avoid tension.
Be 100% Yourself
This might be a clichĆ©, but when youāre meeting someone and getting to know them you should be your authentic self. Donāt try to act a certain way, feign knowledge of an issue, or pretend to believe certain things just to make the conversation go smoothly. As I said before, itās ok to disagree with someone as long as you do so respectfully and without judgment. Talk about things that interest you and are important to you; even if the other person doesnāt know much about the subject, they will respond to your passion. If you try to change your personality to be something that you think is more desirable, youāll probably come off as more awkward and even fake. So donāt waste your time and just be yourself!
As a closing remark, I want to give a message to all my fellow introverts out there: you can do it! Social interaction can be scary and overwhelming at times, but you have nothing to be afraid of. If you keep in mind all these tips, you wonāt even feel like youāre engaging in small talkāyouāll be having a fantastic conversation.
Resources: Forbes, Pick the Brain, Psychology Today, Real Simple
I am so bad at small talk. I usually avoid situations where I will have to do a lot of it.
Hopefully these tips have given you some ideas of how to improve! š Thanks for reading.
I love how you included proper and appropriate body language in these suggestions! That’s always so important!
Glad you appreciate that! Body language is one of those things that we subconsciously pick up on and react to, so it’s very important. Thanks for reading!
These are very good tips! Thanks for sharing
Balancing talking and asking questions is definitely important. Thanks for reading!
I talk too much when I get nervous sometimes. These are some great tips! I’ll share them with my mom!
A lot of people do that! While you definitely don’t want to be too silent, talking too much can also be overwhelming for the other person. It takes some practice to find the balance. Thanks for reading!
Such great tips. I get nervous meeting new people, so my brain goes blank. These will definitely help me feel more at ease.
Glad you feel like these tips can help! š
These are really helpful tips for those that struggle with small talk. I do get nervous at first, but then as long as I see the other person warming up to me, then I can’t stop talking š
That’s kind of how I am!
These is awesome advice! I like being able to carry out longer conversations, even with people I’ve just met.
It’s an important skill to have! Thanks for reading.
I used to be very bad at small talk, well to be honest, I don’t think I’m good, I would say I improved over the years though. This is definitely helpful for an introvert like me. Thank you for all the wonderful tips.
You’re so welcome, thanks for reading!
I worked in retail for 15 years… that pretty much trained the introvert out of me š I alwasy told my employees to ask open ended questions!
I’ve been working a seasonal retail job for the past two years, and it has definitely helped me become less introverted! It’s a great way to learn how to interact with people better. Thanks for reading!