Everybody knows Valentine's Day is stupid but I know how to make it fun.
So I have this theory that nobody can love you better than yourself. This most likely stems from my debilitatingly perfectionist personality and a life motto of storming away while throwing my hands up and shouting, “if I want it done right, I'll just do it myself!”
I have another theory that all the pressure surrounding Valentine's Day is utterly fabricated (more on how these two theories intersect in a minute.) See, I don't mean to bemoan the holiday for being made up by Hallmark for the sole purpose of selling us something – creating a need to sell you something is The American Way, and a lot of good holidays have stemmed from that premise. St. Patrick's Day, the day of selling you booze before noon; Mother's Day, the day of selling you fancy booze before noon and calling it brunch, etc. I don't mind that Valentine's Day is made up and that we're literally expected to buy into it. The destructive aspect of this fake holiday is the anxiety. Hammered into us by movies starring Jennifer Lopez with Generically Hunky White Guy, and Valentine's Day episodes of Sex and the City, the insidious nature of Valentine's Day isn't the pressure to buy flowers or expect flowers – that part is fine. It's similar to expecting presents at Christmas or to get laid on New Year's Eve. The difference is these holidays expect us to do something versus the sole role of Valentine's Day where the expectation is simply to feel anxious and, ultimately, anxiety's comedown: disappointment.
The key to having an amazing night without expecting some doofus to get everything right is to cut out the doofus. Accept that fact that no boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, or OkCupid date will ever become Romance Manifested and sweep your off your feet because life is not a Kate Hudson movie. So, let's rethink this: what is cool about Valentine's Day? Feeling pampered, loved, and/or taken care of; getting pretty gifts and being all dolled up. What is not cool about Valentine's Day? Expecting some poor sap to offer you the chance for all those things and being disappointed. So, what's the next step? Turn to Valentine's Day, throw up your hands, and shout, “if I want it done right, I'll just do it myself!” and you will be free to buy in with your own money and your own time.
Rethinking Valentine's Day Shopping and To-Do List:
1. MAC counter for some “Ruby Woo” (or another iconic red lipstick of your choice)
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2. LUSH Cosmetics for a Bath Bomb (“Sex Bomb” highly recommended)
3. Anywhere for a bottle of wine
4. Newsstand for a guilty issue of Cosmopolitan or I guess the Economist if you're high minded like that
5. A text to your S.O or many suitors saying, “LEAVE ME ALONE! I got this.”
This is the only truly fail safe plan for Valentine's Day that I know of. I suppose you could just claim you don't believe in the holiday at all and treat it like any other day but A) Why are you a scrooge? and B) Are you seriously going to ignore a free pass for putting on lipstick, sitting in a bathtub, and drinking your cares away? Of course not. Nobody can love you like you.