Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter Two
What your Husband Wins from a Working Wife
You may be thinking, “My children will have plenty of time with their father and he'll be an equal parent, whether I'm at home or in a job.”
In many families today, both dads and moms want to be involved with their kids whether or not both parents have careers. But consider this: If you stay home, you're likely to take on more family work-and your husband is less likely to make it home for dinner. Being the sole breadwinner for a family is stressful (and sometimes scary). Contact one last client or race home for bedtime? Facing this choice, the sole earner may tell himself, “the kids don't really need me” and make the call. Asked to fly cross-country to meet a customer, the sole breadwinner may feel it's too risky to suggest a conference call and skip his son's school play instead.
As children grow and become more expensive to raise, the pressures on a sole provider increase. At the same time, that breadwinner becomes more competent at work and less competent at home. The 50/50 couples we've talked to tell us it doesn't have to be that way. You can choose to be competent both at work and home, no matter if you're called Mom or Dad. For this to happen, women need to work more so men can work less.
THE HIGH PRICE OF THAT PICKET FENCE: HOW SOLE BREADWINNERS GET HEMMED IN
“How am I going to tell my wife?” Zach wondered, after a bad review with his boss. Zach has a great education and makes a decent salary, but he hasn't enjoyed his work for a long time-he'd really like to change jobs.
When his wife was working, Zach could have called it quits and made a new start. However, his wife, a Harvard- trained physician, left her job six years ago to stay home with their two kids. So the family now relies on Zach's income for 100 percent of its needs. She wants a new house. She wants more children. She is going to be so disappointed in me.
All these thoughts keep Zach in his current job even though he is so anxious he is unlikely to perform well. So he is stuck-unless his boss makes the decision for him.
Remember Darrin in the sixties sitcom Bewitched ? Whether you watched the series growing up or on Nick at Nite reruns, you may have felt frustration on his behalf. As he scrambled to please his intrusive boss, Mr. Tate, and his nutty advertising clients, Darrin's angst was the grist for the show. When Darrin got into a jam, Samantha wiggled her nose and got him out of it. What Darrin could not escape was his joyless work life. What if Samantha had gotten a job?
One income, no options
Becca runs human resources for a semiconductor firm, where most employees are male. Men tell her personal stories about what they like and don't like about work. But it's Becca's personal setup that most interests her male colleagues with at- home wives. “I'm jealous of your husband. He doesn't have to take as much crap at work as I do,” one man told Becca. Another told her how boxed in he feels. “My last boss was a jerk; now I've been transferred to a bad division. But I can't afford to protest or change jobs.” He's obliged to grin and bear it since his income alone supports his family. “If I were married to someone with a real career like yours, I wouldn't have to suck it up twenty- four- seven,” he says. “I feel trapped, like my only option is to stay here.”
Two incomes are a safety net. If a husband's work is jeopardized or vanishes because of “right- sizing,” a working wife keeps the lights on and provides security until the next job comes along. If your husband leaves his job (or his job leaves him), your income gives him choices- more good ones. He won't have to panic. He'll be free to take his time and decline what one man called the “soul- killing” jobs because you've got things covered.
In the wake of the tech bubble, 9/11, and Enron, many people got pink slips they weren't expecting. Ethan was one of them. He worked for an Internet company that went bankrupt. His wife, a pediatrician, had been working three days a week and staying home the other two to be with their children. When Ethan's job vanished, their solution was simple: His wife returned to seeing patients full time so she could support the family. That gave Ethan a lot of breathing room and he used it well. It took six months, but Ethan found a good new position where he has done well. “Many of my friends had to take jobs they weren't excited about,” he says. “Sometimes they had to move across the country. Their spouses didn't work and they were stressed about paying the bills. I was lucky that I could be more discerning because my wife was our safety net.”
When wives don't pay their way, men often pay a price-they have to compromise themselves, sticking it out in work environments that don't reflect their values. “Your business is filled with people who don't put family first,” Sharon's husband, Steve, said to her when they first met. Steve had interned on Wall Street one summer. One of his strongest memories was of Nick, a respected banker, who was forced to choose between attending a “mandatory” recruiting event or his son's birthday party. Nick felt the culture wouldn't accept how he felt: that his son was more important than summer interns. So what did he do? Nick stealthily tiptoed out of his office at 6 p.m., ducking down between the cubicles as he went for the elevator. Steve's takeaway: “It wasn't a life I was willing to lead.” Steve hasn't had to-and Sharon's job meant Steve hasn't had to worry that his family would go wanting if his career had a hiccup. But he did make a compromise. He supported Sharon's career in a business he'd intentionally avoided. “Be your own man.” That's what we teach our sons and, after fashion, our daughters. Yet a dad can't do that when he's the sole provider. Freedom to walk out on a bad deal at work, to tell the truth-that's a big part of what husbands win with a working wife. But it's more than just avoiding the negatives. Men also gain an advantage in their careers (and lives) that often goes unnoticed.
Should his heart race for his boss-or for you?
Let's say your spouse supports your family while you stay home, but dreams of bigger things or wants to change tracks. If he's a responsible guy but hasn't yet won the lottery, what's the chance he'll get to act on his desires? It's hard to be a frontiersman without a grubstake or a second income that acts as one. When men yearn for open territory, wives can block the way or pave it.
Pablo came to the United States when he married Celia, a public school teacher. He left behind a job as an accountant to start over in his adopted country. To work in health care, he needs credentials and Celia's full- time teaching salary pays for the classes that will certify him in his new specialty. Alex was a successful sales executive at a large company but wanted something more in life. His wife, Deb, ran a public relations business and together they had three small children.
Deb's job meant that Alex could go to graduate school and launch a career he found more rewarding. Maggie's husband, Marc, is a writer; they knew when they first married that her nurse's salary would probably provide the steadier income stream and that it would allow him to write. He makes money when he sells his work and her income pays the bills in between.
If your husband is burning to move into a new field or start that business he's been talking about since college, he has a fighting chance, if you have a job. In fact, he's more likely to spread his wings. The research group Catalyst reports that when both spouses work, one or both are more likely to take career risks. Says one man in a survey Catalyst conducted, “[my wife] made enough that I was able to go off and do something far more entrepreneurial than I would have if we were relying on one income.”1
Craig took three years off to redirect his career and is now CEO of a software company. “I'm paying myself a lower salary and giving myself more upside in the company because [my wife's] income makes that possible. I'm putting in a lot of sweat equity and I couldn't do that if I needed the money to pay our bills. I have friends who would kill to do what I'm doing. But they can't take the chance because they're the only income in the family.”
That's been the story in our lives, too. Both of us married men who enjoy taking risks. Because their wives work, they've been free to forge their own paths.
Joanna's spouse is a “serial entrepreneur” who thrives on creating new ventures. Before they married, Jason sat her down and said, “I don't want to be a corporate drone. I don't want to work for anyone else.” He was prepared to live simply, he told her, if he could enjoy his work. But to support a family they'd need a steady income, and early on Joanna made the decision that consistency would come from her work. Jason was able to pursue his entrepreneurial career, starting successful (and some not- so- successful) companies.
When they married, Sharon's husband, Steve, worked for an established real estate developer. But the year they bought their first house, Steve made a big move: starting his own company. Since Sharon could make the whole payment if Steve's firm folded, the bank granted their mortgage. Steve was able to go with his gut and pursue his dream without fear that he would lose the family home.
Your work, his wages-how does it all pan out?
Your work adds a layer of security and freedom that your spouse will appreciate, but how does it affect his income? Historically, experts believed that men with nonemployed wives made more money (around 15 to 20 percent more) than men with working wives. They concluded that a working wife must...
